Cedric Sharpley is a natural born drummer. Ever since he was a tiny
child all he ever wanted to do was hit things with wooden sticks. At
first this used to get him into a lot of trouble, especially the day he
accidentally killed the family dog. Being a resourceful child, Cedric
turned this to his advantage by skinning the dog and using its hide to
make his first homemade drum. For his fourth birthday the following
year his parents bought him a "Junior Noise Polluter" drumkit, and he
never looked back. He had years of drum tuition and learned to drum in
every possible style and genre of music, though he says that at heart
he belongs to the "let's belt the bastards" school of drumming. Cedric
had a successful career as a rock drummer, playing for many years with
Gary Numan and the band Dramatis. Unfortunately Ced's career went into a
severe decline when he lost both his arms in a bizarre accident with
his electric toothbrush. Although now unable to hold any drumsticks, he
has attempted a comeback by learning to drum with his penis. This
requires great dexterity and a constant erection - the former was
achieved with lots of practice but sadly these days the latter is
achieved largely with the assistance of Viagra.
Originally, Ced missed out on selection for the cast of Survivor
Outland, owing to the fact that he never even applied for the show.
However one of the original contestants dropped out as soon as it was
revealed that the location was being changed from Afghanistan to
Butlins; apparently he'd been to Butlins on a holiday and was still too
traumatised by the experience to face going back there. On arrival at
Butlins, the Survivor producers searched around for another castaway,
and stumbled across Cedric playing drums in the house band at the camp.
Cedric has turned out to be an invaluable addition to the cast, because
he can just about pass for a black guy. Every series of Survivor has
to have a token black guy, but this series didn't have one. Whilst not
really black, Ced's the nearest thing we've got this time around, so
we're going to milk it as much as possible. To reinforce the impression
that he's a brother, we will use the same editing techniques we always
employ for the black dudes - we will make him appear to be completely
bone idle and if possible will make it look like he's stealing stuff.
Movies: Driller Killer, I Spit On Your Grave, The Muppets Take Manhattan
Music: Stuff with drums on it
Food: Tripe and onions.
Drink: Decaf coffee.
Sports: None, unless drumming counts as a sport